Companion interview in K Composite No.8, pages 171-173

Born May 1, 1975 Alexandria, Virginia
6' 2.5", brown eyes, 250 lbs.
Favorite Atari game: Adventure

Kley Welsh was interviewed for K Composite in 1999 while working at The Gap.

Have you ever bought anything from a telemarketer?

Have not.

So what's up with this MP3 thing? What does an MP3 look like?

It doesn't have a physical... It's not tangible. MP3's just rule, because I can get all the stupid songs that I like. Like some Backstreet Boys songs, or that stupid Christina Aguilera song, or any stupid song that I like without buying the CD. It just rules. And you know because I make you CD's. [laughter]

If there were a TV show about your life, who would play you?

I would have to say probably... That's tough. I would like to say either Ed Norton or Regis Philbin.

What about Tom Greene's sidekick?

I've heard that before but I'm just not into it.

You guys look and act a lot alike!

I've heard Drew Carey and an oversized Buddy Holly. All of those.

Tell me a joke.

Two guys are walking in the desert. They've been walking for a while, and one guy pulls out an ice cream cone. The other guy says, "Where'd you get that? Why do you have the ice cream cone?" And he says, you know, "It's kind of hot, and it's cold and I can cool down." Then he pulls out a drink of water and the other guy says, "Why'd you pulls out a drink of water?" You know, "Because I'm thirsty." So they walk a little farther and then the other guy pulls out a car door. And the first person says, "Why'd you pull out a car door?" And the other guy says, "So when I get hot I can roll down the window." [laughter]

Tell me about all the different places you've lived.

Jesus. Well, obviously I lived in Virginia, but since then I've lived in Louisville, Cincinnati, Chicago, and several places in Louisville on my "Kley Welsh's College Experiment." [laughs]

What about your family, what's their story?

My father is an attorney. My mother is a teacher-slash-she works with refugees now. My sister is in school in Colorado. My father is pretty much a jokester. He's been known to tell a few stories about some raincoats.

A few long stories?

A few long stories, but all in all, a good guy. As well as my family.

What kind of movies do you like to rent?

Hmm. Pretty stupid ones. I like, you know, those dumb comedies. I also like those real artsy and intelligent type.

Maybe pick a couple titles that you could suggest to our readers.

Definitely would not suggest the stupidest movie in the world called Money Talks. Unfortunately, I saw that one time. Part of it, anyway. Let's see, the last couple movies... Actually I have to rent a movie tonight. I have to rent The Lion King. So I don't know about that one yet. Movies I've rented? Always a classic, Back To the Beach. [laughter] Always a classic. It rules. Then there's... I don't know. Back To the Beach.

What is the highest telephone bill you've ever had?

The highest telephone bill would probably have to be... probably close to about three or four hundred dollars. Three-fifty, four hundred dollars. It was when I was in Chicago and I was really homesick and my roommate at that time, dorm mate at that time, was also calling a lot of people. It was just a ridiculous amount for less than thirty days.

Who is your long distance company and why?

Probably AT&T because I didn't really care that much. They were just the first one that called.

Explain a fax machine as if to someone who has no idea what it is.

A fax machine is an apparatus that you put a document or a piece of paper into, and it magically appears at another apparatus.

So there's a little bit of magic involved?

It's all about magic.

If you had to enlist in the armed forces, which branch would you pick, and why?

If I had to enlist... Why do I have to enlist?

Because it's just a hypothetical question.

It would have to be probably the Navy Seals, because I'm such a bad ass. [laughter]

List all the nicknames you've had and why you've been called that.

All the nicknames. Well, Kley is obviously a nickname because that's part of my middle name. After that, there was a nickname in high school. I was called Big Daddy. One of my friends made that up. Or rather, started calling me that. Obviously I guess that was because I was bigger than most. They said something about the caddy.

The caddy being...

The caddy being my belly. [laughs] Then, as of recent, I've been called the Hawk, because of my mighty wingspan, and how I like to admire it. [laughing]