President William Henry Harrison (artist's rendering)

Wild Bill Harrison

Governor Harrison was PO-ed, if you know what I mean, and he wasn’t gonna take it lying down. Hell no! Bill got his own militia together and set out do some world class ass kickin’. And that’s exactly what happened on November 7, 1811 at Tippecanoe Creek. Reckon that wildcat Tucumseh underestimated what was going on, and the Indian forces were squashed like grapes. Poor Tecumseh. At least they named a lawn mower company after him. Bill also made a name for himself out of this skirmish. All his pals started callin’ him “Old Tippecanoe,” which is a pretty weak nickname compared to something along the lines of “Lightning Bill” or “Governor Ball Buster” or “Stone Cold Bill Harrison” - but I guess you just have to take what you can get.

The next year was 1812 and that’s when the War of 1812 broke out. Could’ve seen that one coming, eh? James Madison was president then and he put ol’ Bill in charge of the Army of the Northwest (what a weak name for an army, you know? I guess that’s kind of like Bill’s nickname. He just got shortchanged all around namewise. I would have called ’em the Assassins or the Violators or something). In southern Ontario, the Violators went head-to-head against the combined armies of the British and the Indians, at the Battle of the Thames (never heard of it). Yep, you guessed it, Bill and the Violators came out on top yet again.

Commander Bill was livin’ the sweet life, to win the battle and to have a fine lookin’ ho like Anna waiting for him at home. If I can let you in on something here, Wild Bill and Anna had ten kids together! That must’ve kept them real busy. I’m just wondering how could this guy could have time to do anything except wash up now and again. And I bet Anna and the fam’ were probably the reason he had to leave his military career behind and get another desk job. You know how chicks are always like, “Oh, I worry about you out there with all those people shooting guns at you all day,” and stuff like that, so Bill had to do something to keep her happy, you know, if he was gonna be able to keep stickin’ her enough to have ten kids. Plus, by now, Bill’s gettin’ up there. By then he was like 43 or something and his eyebrows were in danger of being declared a national forest. So in 1816 he got elected to the U.S. House of Representatives (it’s part of Congress). Then nine years later, he became the senator from Ohio.

 

Now the Dramatic Conclusion

Upon arriving home, Bill must’ve been at a party or something or maybe he was drinkin’ pretty hard and I guess maybe some of his friends dared him to run for president of the United States. He was in the Whig Party, you know, and in 1836 they just weren’t havin’ him as a candidate, and America in general wasn’t really down with the Whigs anyway.

Four years later and another few more beers, Crazy Old Tippecanoe Bill was ready to give it another whirl. The Whigs were still pretty new and they were freakin’ kooky! At this point, they had no platform and absolutely no political philosophy, and they just went berserk with Bill’s campaign for the presidency. Total gangbusters. Like there was no tomorrow. The constituency was positively bedazzled by the spectacle, and before Martin Van Buren could say “what the...” that old nut known as William Henry Harrison was elected the ninth President of the United States.

Well, it was like as soon as this guy became president he started going around acting like his election was some awesome mandate from the people or something, when really his party was a joke and they just wanted a figurehead so they stole his name recognition and threw this wild campaign and it was a fluke that he ever got elected in the first place. Well, Bill Harrison was such a self-absorbed, stubborn old fool and he was so ready to prove he was so tough and cool and everything that he rode a white horse to his inaugural address (like he’s the Lone Ranger or something) in the freezing cold rain without a hat on! Then when he gets there, he delivers the longest inaugural address ever! I mean, it still ain’t been beat. So he’s up there giving his hatless soliloquy for a short eternity while it’s super cold and rainy and everybody’s waiting around like, “Come on, Bill. Can we go? Nobody cares that you’re the president.” So he goes on and on about all his plans and he promises that he won’t run for a second term and all this stuff... well, as we all know, he wasn’t going have any trouble keeping that promise.

And after finally ending his freezing monologue, he caught a light sneeze which blossomed into a fresh cold which grew like nobody’s business and soon enough it developed into pneumonia and within 30 days of taking office, he bought the farm. Bill was dead.

Vice President John Tyler served out the remaining 97.9% of Bill’s term and continued all of the “important work” that Bill was working on between March 4th and April 4th.

Yes, this was the story of William Henry “Old Tippecanoe” Harrison, the ninth President of the United States who had a real big head and a hot wife and is now six feet under in North Bend, Ohio. God bless America. [The end.]