Oh, Anna!

Three years into his army stint, he was 21 and serving in the Ohio Indian wars (never heard of ’em) under some bloke named “Mad Anthony” Wayne (never heard of him, nor have I heard of what he was so mad about). Soon after that, they made Bill into a captain and put Ohio’s Fort Washington under his command.

Now, either Fort Washington was some really super small fort, like the generals were just being nice by calling it “Fort” Washington, or maybe the army was just real short of captains or something. Anyway, Captain Bill was chillin’ for a while in Ohio. While he was up there doin’ all his fort-commanding and stuff, why, who should waltz into his life but some foxy broad by the name of Anna Symmes. Ow!

Anna Symmes (artist's rendering)

Tell me about it! They always say there’s plenty of fish in the sea, you know, but the Cap’n wasn’t about to throw this little fishy back, if you know what I mean. That Anna Symmes must have been one fine piece of ass, ’cause they tied the knot almost immediately. Go William! It’s your birthday! Get busy!

In the late 1790s, John Adams was president, and only the second president, at that. President John took a liking to Captain Bill and anointed him secretary of the Northwest Territory. So Bill left the army to do whatever the president wanted, I mean, that’s what you’re supposed to do, right? Real soon after that, when he was 26, the Northwest settlers elected him as the Territory’s first delegate to Congress. Way to go, Bill!

A year after that, the Northwest Territory got divided into Indiana and Ohio, and President Adams had something else up his sleeve for W.H. Harrison, the governorship of the Indiana Territory! Billy couldn’t hardly hold a job for more than a year or so ’cause he kept gettin’ promoted so much and stuff. Am I right or am I right?

Fig. 57: Indiana (as in "the Indiana quarter")

Man, when he was Governor of Indiana, that’s when he was really a shining star I bet Anna was real happy she got a hold of this gem! Governor Harrison - that’s what they called him then since he was the new governor and all - anyway, Governor Harrison was a total stand-up guy. He was all like helping the Indians and stuff. He vaccinated all the Indians against smallpox, and he gave them the opportunity to get medical assistance and an education. What a cool dude! And man did the Indians love him! They thought he was so cool that the chiefs of the major tribes were like signin’ treaties with him left and right. One day, the Indian chiefs scribbled their names on this little memo called the Treaty of Fort Wayne (honestly) which took 2.5 million acres of Indian land along the Wabash and White Rivers and gave it all to Whitey. A real humdinger! The celebration didn’t last long, though, ’cause this renegade Shawnee chief called Tecumseh and his brother The Prophet... when they caught wind of this treaty, they totally freaked out. They couldn’t believe that them other Indians was so stupid and just gave all that land to the fuckin’ honkies! Needless to say, the Shawnees and some other tribes took matters into their own hands and started shootin’ the place up.

Holy shit! What could possibly happen Next?