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William
Henry Harrison, |
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If there were ever to be a movie made about the presidency of William Henry Harrison, the two biggest dilemmas in the production would be: 1. Who should we get to play him, Sam Donaldson or Mr. Bean? and 2. How can we possibly stretch this into 90 minutes? For, you see, no man was ever president for a shorter period of time than this old coot named Bill Harrison (Alexander Haig notwithstanding).
The year was 1841. Our fledgling nation was a mere 65 years old. And from March 4th to April 4th, this cockeyed bastard (see enhanced illustration) was the most powerful man in the land. A whole 30 days. If you’re as intrigued as every red-blooded American should be, you just can’t wait to tear through these pages of history as fast as you can.
The First Part of the Story There have been many occasions in American history when some bozo who knew nothing at all about government got elected president just because he was a kick-ass military hero. Bill Harrison was exactly one such bozo. This nutcase was born in 1773 on a family plantation in Berkeley, Virginia. His pop, Benjamin Harrison, was a real big shot and quite the firecracker. He served in both Continental Congresses, and daddy also signed the Declaration of Independence. Maybe you’ve heard of it. Anyway, Little Billy grew up fast. He was home schooled and later went to Hampden-Sydney College for a little while to study medicine. But since you can’t make a living being a doctor, he promptly dropped out because he had this bright idea like he’d join the army. Listen up, kids. Forget about school. Join the army like Bill Harrison did, then maybe you can be president for 30 days and die of pneumonia. Ah shit, I just ruined the ending. Where was I? Oh yeah, 1791: the 18-year-old William Henry Harrison joined the army. 1791 was the same year that Mozart died, and I can almost guarantee that they never met, and at least at this point, Bill had probably never heard of Mozart.
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