Carla Wettig
Carla Marie Wettig is stealthily amazing. From her everyday office professionalism, working in marketing for an insurance corporation, you'd never know that she graduated from an Ivy League school with a degree in linguistics. From her boisterous enthusiasm among friends, you'd never suspect that she researched cognitive neuroscience at the National Institutes of Health in Washington, DC. Unless the trivia topic was pop culture, you may never know that she has an encyclopedic and up-to-the-minute knowledge of celebrity gossip. And if you weren't her good friend you might not know how loyal, honest and hilarious she is.
I found out how forgiving she is many years ago when we did a shot of bourbon one night in a friend's kitchen. Mine went down the wrong pipe. I coughed and my shot of bourbon sprayed all over her face and jacket. I instantly felt awful. I still feel bad about it. She didn't flinch or get upset and she immediately thought it was funny.
I found out how generous she is when I was waiting for my Swedish residence permit to be approved. I had already sold nearly everything I owned in the US and had nowhere to live while waiting for the green light. She and her equally awesome boyfriend Joel let me stay in their house for many months.
Born in Louisville on the fourth of November in 1979, Carla is now 165 cm tall with blue eyes. She weighs, "none of your business... deuce, deuce and a half."
PHOTOS BY LINDSAY CAMERON
WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE ATARI GAME?
King Kong... I mean, Donkey Kong. I was thinking of what's my favorite movie, which is Peter Jackson's King Kong.
[laughter] OH. IS IT? WOW, YOU'RE JUMPING AHEAD TO LIKE QUESTION #30. IS IT REALLY?
Noooo. [laughter] I love bad movies. So whenever that's on, I can't stop watching it.
TELL ME ABOUT YOUR FIRST CAR.
Whoa. My first car was my '84 Volvo 240 DL. White. Beige fabric lining.
DID YOU WRECK IT?
I did not wreck it, actually. I loved that car. Basically the transmission went out.
I SEE. IT WAS AN AUTOMATIC?
Yeah. Yes.
HAVE YOU EVER ACCIDENTALLY THROWN SOMETHING AWAY AND HAD TO GO FISHING THROUGH THE GARBAGE TO FIND IT?
Yes. [five seconds] I know I have, but I can't think of something.
ANYTHING RECENTLY?
Do you know something I don't? [laughs]
NO, ALTHOUGH FOR SOME OF THESE QUESTIONS I HAVE RECEIVED SOME HELP FROM SOME OF YOUR FRIENDS. BUT NOT THIS ONE.
Oh, really?
YEAH.
No, I mean nothing funny. Stuff at work.
NOT LIKE A RETAINER OR ANYTHING? DID YOU EVER HAVE BRACES?
I did, in middle school.
HOW DID THAT WORK OUT FOR YA?
Good. I wanted them. My teeth were jacked. [laughter] Overbite, buck-toothed, gap between the two front teeth...
REALLY?
Yeah!
WHO KNEW? [laughter] LOOK AT YOU NOW. IT ALL PAID OFF!
Ehhhh. Maybe.
WHEN YOU'RE READING BY YOURSELF, DOES YOUR MOUTH MOVE?
[three seconds] I don't think it does. Is this a question from Lindsay [Cameron]?
NO... [laughter] NOW YOU'RE GOING TO BE SPECULATING ON EVERY QUESTION. [laughter]
No. As far as I know, it does not. But the reason I said "Lindsay" is because when we were in Aruba, we were sitting by the pool and I was reading one of those Sookie Stackhouse books that True Blood is based on...
[in a vampire voice...] SOOKIE!
...Sookie! [laughter] And I got to this sex scene in the book and I was like, "Oh, my!" And Lindsay just started laughing at me. [laughter] ... but I don't think so. I'm not a ruh-tard. [laughter]
KENTUCKY'S FLAG HAS NINE WORDS ON IT. WHAT ARE THEY?
[five seconds, counting on her fingers...] Wait. I thought it was: "United we stand, divided we fall," but that's only six.
THAT'S SOME OF 'EM.
"Commonwealth of Kentucky?" "E Pluribus Unum?"
I'M GONNA HAVE TO ASK FOR YOUR ANSWER.
That's it. "United we stand, divided we fall" and "Commonwealth of Kentucky."
YEAH. YOU GOT IT! [laughter] HOW IMPORTANT ARE YOU?
Wait, are you gonna tell me the answer?
YEAH, THAT'S CORRECT. "COMMONWEALTH OF KENTUCKY,
UNITED WE STAND, DIVIDED WE FALL."
Okay. That checks out. If you count the "of" then that checks out.
YEAH.
I'm pret-ty, pret-ty fuckin' important. [disappointed...] I thought you would have known that by now.
OH! I JUST WONDERED IF YOU KNEW. [sigh] SO, YOU GRADUATED FROM AN IVY LEAGUE SCHOOL WITH A DEGREE IN LINGUISTICS, AND YOU WORKED IN COGNITIVE NEUROSCIENCE RESEARCH AT THE NATIONAL INSTITUTES OF HEALTH IN WASHINGTON, DC...
Who gave you my resumé?
...HOW COME YOU'RE SUCH AN IDIOT? [laughter]
[playing dumb] In what context? [laughter] Can you give me an example?
NO, SERIOUSLY.
Uh... I faked it?
YEAH. SO YOU'RE ADMITTING THAT YOU CHEATED YOUR WAY THROUGH CORNELL?
Ehhh, a little bit but not really.
WHEN YOU WORKED FOR THE GOVERNMENT DID YOU HAVE, LIKE, A SECURITY CLEARANCE?
No, not like you hear on TV. "I have Access Level Three." No, it wasn't like that at all. And it's really funny because when I worked at the NIH, all I did was go on MySpace [laughter] and chat on AOL the whole time, and now that I work at Humana [health insurance company], you can't do any of that of stuff. [laughter] And at NIH it was post-9/11 and all they would do is look at my badge, and I would walk past, and that was it.
THAT WAS POST-9/11?
Yeah. I did both. I did a pre- and a post-9/11.
WHEN YOU WORKED THERE, DO THE COMPUTERS AT THE GOVERNMENT REALLY GO "BBBRRRRR... BEEP BEEP BIP BIP DOOT DOOT BEEP..." WHEN YOU'RE LOADING AN IMAGE?
Yeah, they do. They do. They make those little sounds and there's like holograms that come out of like a pyramid and then is says like [super high-pitched] beeepbeeepbeeepbeeep. And then I just say, "Zoom in. Clean it up." And then it looks good.
ENHANCE. [laughter]
Enhance! And then I can see the "perp." [laughter]
I HAVE NO IDEA HOW I'M GONNA TRANSCRIBE "BBBRRR BEEPBEEPBEEP BOOBOOP BBRBRRR." [laughs]
SO HOW DID YOU GET THAT JOB AT THE NIH?
I did some research while I was at Cornell to figure out where I could do Neurolinguistic work. There are only certain states and schools and research facilities that have fMRI machines used for this type of work. I saw that the NIH has a Post-baccalaureate Program for people between college and grad school and I applied online. It was like two or three months later until I heard anything.
I got a phone call from someone in the lab and did a phone interview since I was in Louisville and NIH is in Rockville, MD. So, it ended up being the National Institute on Deafness and Communication Disorders (NIDCD). There are like 10 institutes within the NIH, and this is one of them. And I aced the interview because I got it like that. Meaning, I faked my way through it, again.
WHAT DID YOU DO THERE? WHAT WAS A TYPICAL DAY LIKE?
Well, it was a lot like a summer internship; it just lasted longer (almost 2 years). And it wasn't as glamorous as it may sound. The study I was doing was checking for the area of brain activation in Aphasic patients when we show them animate vs. inanimate objects on a screen, while they're in the fMRI. So I spent the majority of my time fixing up these images in Corel Draw. I was able to scan a couple people in the fMRI, which is why I was there. But in the end I learned that maybe that type of job wasn't for me. Especially since I quit to work full time at a bourbon bar in Georgetown (DC proper).
OKAY, SO I KNOW YOU DON'T WEAR THE GLASSES WITH RED FRAMES ANYMORE, BUT I HAVE A QUESTION ABOUT THEM.
Mmm hmm.
DO YOU FEEL LIKE THEY WERE INTIMIDATING TO PEOPLE?
[surprised laugh] Uhh... no?
NO? I MEAN, WHAT DID YOU MEAN BY WEARING RED GLASSES? WHAT DID YOU MEAN BY THAT?
[perplexed by the question] Um? I wanted to wear red glasses and they were Michael Kors, soo... they were extra special.
[impersonating Michael Kors' greeting from Project Runway] "HEY, GUYS."
"Hey, guys." [laughter... then using a much deeper voice to impersonate Michael Kors' mother...] "Miiichael..." [laughter]
[in a deep, manly voice...] "HEY, SON." [laughter] SO, DID YOU PLAN YOUR OUTFITS TO MATCH YOUR GLASSES?
No.
NEVER?
It would be coinkidinky, like I had my red Lacoste shirt.
DO YOUR PARENTS KNOW WHO YOU REALLY ARE?
[mortified] No!
DO THEY HAVE AN IPAD?
No.
[laughter] OKAY! THEN I CAN ASK YOU SOME MORE QUESTIONS ABOUT THAT.
My dad... They were just here this morning and my dad was talking about how... Oh, what was he saying? "Too much effort." Like us having Netflix over the Internet was like beyond his scope...
OH REALLY?
You know we have that antenna because we don't have cable...
YEAH. SO YOU WERE LIKE, "YEAH, AND WE WATCH MOVIES ON THE ONLINE... THROUGH OUR TV." THAT WAS BLOWING HIS MIND?
[nods in agreement]
DOES [YOUR BOYFRIEND] JOEL REALLY THINK YOU'RE AN ALCOHOLIC OR IS HE JUST EXAGGERATING?
Uhh... [three seconds] He does.
HE DOES? [laughs] ARE YOU?
Not by my definition.
[laughing] NO, I DON'T THINK SO EITHER. [laughter... grabbing a drink off the table...] BOTTOMS UP!
[laughter] I think I'm a high-functioning alcoholic.
Work with K Composite
Part-time design project
K Composite 14
Issues 6 to 12
The printed versions of K Composite Magazine Issues 6 to 12 are available as a paperback book. 43 interviews in 198 pages!
